Notebook

Fragments, essays and field notes

  • Take a deep breath

    An empty Greenwich Naval College on a rainy evening

    Every November I realise I’ve been holding my breath for days, sometimes weeks. The world feels heavier, my brain foggier. It’s a product of the days getting shorter. I see less light, I don’t go outside as much, and work begins and ends in darkness.

    I’ve got better at noticing the changes in my mood at this time of year. It used to be a different story. As a teenager I never saw the clouds descending. I didn’t know what was happening when I suddenly found myself in darkness.

    These days, I try to foster good habits. I exercise, meditate and listen to my body. I’ve learnt a lot about breathing. I notice when scrolling through Twitter is making me anxious and I put my phone down. I take vitamin D supplements.

    This year’s worse, of course, with the isolation and the restrictions, exacerbating mental health problems. It’s easy to feel helpless in the chaos.

    Just got to keep breathing.

  • Walk of life

    Walk of life

    A few months after moving into our house in north London, I stumbled upon the Dollis Valley Greenwalk. It was a rainy Monday. I don’t mind the rain, I welcome it. It makes for a quieter walk, and when I do cross paths with other walkers they tend to be alone like me.

    Recently I took two friends on the journey, and when it started to rain they wanted to get the bus home. I wasn’t happy.

    It was a similarly wet day when I set out on my walk yesterday, alone again. The Dollis Valley Greenwalk winds from Mill Hill through Barnet to the Hampstead Heath Extension. I join the ten-mile trail in Finchley and tend to continue into Hampstead Heath.

    My walk takes in rivers, woodland, playgrounds, suburban gardens with summer houses, and a dual carriageway. I see how the other half live when I go down the mansion-lined street along the Hampstead Extension.

    My legs are weary but these walks occupy my mind and remind me of what’s important. As England is placed into a new lockdown, it helps to see the wood for the trees.

  • Seriously writing

    Seriously writing

    I go for days, sometimes weeks, without writing. I should read more, too. I check my phone too often, even after turning all my notifications off. I watched all of The Sopranos in the first few weeks of the lockdown. I thought I would begin to seriously write after that. But the only thing that makes me write is sitting down to do it. Is this serious writing?

    National novel writing month, or Nanowrimo, is round the corner. You write 50,000 words in a month and you have a novel. I took part in 2017 and booked the first week off work to get a headstart. It worked. I got the T-shirt. The novel was bad, obviously, but it was good practice.

    I won’t be taking part this year. I prefer to go at a slower pace. Not as slow as recently, though.