Notebook

Fragments, essays, reading notes and scenes from life.

  • Tunnels

    Tunnels

    I heard the tunnels knocking after midnight. “The Northern line is the loudest,” I said. I always say that. There were only one or two other people in our carriage; the country was still in lockdown.

    We sat opposite each other, speaking loudly through our masks. When the masks fell we’d fix them back in place. Our eyes did most of the talking when the trembling tracks filled the carriage. Your eyes were like doves.

    You spoke of how you’d check your work again once you got home. If you noticed a mistake, you’d log back in and correct it. Those words gave me comfort, coming from you. Your conversation was sweetness itself.

    I find consolation in how newspapers work, news websites even more so. In print, the second edition provides an opportunity to correct mistakes. Online, a story can be republished with tweaks. Every given moment, we’re given another chance.

    You rose for your stop, said goodnight. Safe travels. You went down into some other draughty corridor, to home, to sleep.

    This post includes references to the Song of Songs 5-6

  • Ghost in the machine

    Ghost in the machine

    I almost forgot to look away as the doctor drew my blood. Then she checked my heart.

    “It’s quite fast,” she said. “But that’s probably because of your journey here, based on what you’ve told me. You took the Tube?”

    The NHS GP on my street had a two-week waiting list — to speak over the phone. The private GP saw me the day I called. She was based in a skyscraper.

    I was desperate for answers. Why did I feel unbalanced on the Tube? And then in crowds? How was this physical sensation a symptom of anxiety? It was surely going to be too much for a blood test to answer.*

    Outside the skyscraper, I realised I hadn’t eaten. I ate a banana by the side of the road and felt better. Then I took the Tube home.

    Days later, I took a guided tour of the west side of Highgate cemetery, built by the Victorians to keep the bodies far away from central London. In the terrace catacombs, those feelings returned. I leaned to my left as the ground swallowed me up. I couldn’t help but see the dark humour in it as the shelves of coffins propped up my body.

    *It was.

  • Throwing the book

    Throwing the book

    I started this blog to support my efforts to get writing. It was a week before England’s second lockdown began. Like a lot of people, I believed I had a book in me. And I thought the pandemic would provide the room to write it.

    I’ve done a lot of things during the pandemic. I got into the habit of long midnight walks. I worked out, and then I stopped working out. I got into Pokémon cards, podcasts, audiobooks and crypto (I keep saying I’ve “got into” things, which I find interesting). I watched the Adam Curtis documentary series Can’t Get You Out of My Head, countless episodes of Friends, and the third series of Succession. I’ve been hooked to social media.

    I also moved from one newspaper to another. I reunited with friends between lockdowns. I’ve felt happy and ordinary between the dark moments.

    I’ve done a lot of things during the pandemic, yes, but not much writing.

    A new idea for a novel came to me a couple of months ago. Let’s call it a ghost story. Late last year, I learnt of a new competition for first-time novelists. I planned to write thousands of words a day to meet the competition’s deadline in April. My present word count? 1,300. Every sentence is a room but I can’t always find the key to the next one.

    I could have added more words tonight. Instead, I watched the first episode of Euphoria with some microwaved popcorn and went on a walk in the rain while listening to Foreverland, a book about marriage by Heather Havrilesky. And then I wrote this.